Television Usage Policy And Viewing Protocol For Women During IPL 5

There comes a time in every man’s life when there are certain things he must do and I mean DO ,Not as a Husband, Not as a Father, Not even as a Son but solely as a Man…

Once in a year an event comes which matters more to an Indian man than life itself.

IPL( Indian Premier League)

It is At this time that a man must enforce the VIEWING PROTOCOL for the IPL to not so understanding, religious daily soap viewers- WIFE’S and as a representative of all men due to my staggeringly brilliant genius awesome + humble reputation. ^o^

Therefore here is the Instruction Manual, Television Usage Policy and Directives to be followed by all Women for the upcoming weeks:

1.) The Remote Is Mine And Mine Alone: Under no circumstance are you allowed to even lay a single finger on it.

2.) The TV is also mine and I will watch ONLY CRICKET,

Yes, ONLY Cricket

Only Cricket .

CRICKET, CRICKET, CRICKET and NOTHING else

     I Will Watch The Matches Live

    If The Match Is Not Live Then I Will Watch The Highlights Of The Previous Match.

3.) I Will Not Co-Operate, Adjust, Be Considerate, Try To Understand, About This, etc,etc, when it comes to the remote and the TV. Both these are under my control. If you interfere in my viewing of the MATCH by attempting to forcefully take the control then you may consider this relationship terminated and await Divorce Proceedings.

4.) If you even attempt to test me by insisting you have to watch Koffee with Karan or some related soul-sucking daily soap while the match is on then the resultant reaction from my end will lead to a catastrophe bigger than the combined nuclear force of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bombs.

5.) My line of sight shall at all times remain uninterrupted. Any obstructions in the space between the TV and my eyes such as Funny Dancing Dolls, Potted Plants, Antique Statues, or Any Type of Handicraft, placed by you will be mercilessly thrown out of the house.

6.)  NO – I will not get up and open the door if the door bell rings while the match is on

7.) NO – I will not pick up phone calls during the match

8.) NO – You cannot sit on my couch. It is a holy place because that is where my Ass will be parked along with a ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ Sign around my neck while I meditate on the Cricket Action. You may observe from afar and maintain the sacred environment. 

9.) Any negative comment relating to absolutely anything even most minute about GOD aka Sachin Tendulkar will result in immediate cancellation of Our Relationship.

10.) You are likely to hear a lot of cuss words and Maa-Behen Ki Gali against some people like Ricky Ponting, Chris Gayle, Lasith Malinga, Brett Lee, Stuart Broad, Shahid Afridi, Billy Bowden, AB De Villiers and many many more. I have no time to explain who these people are so please google if you want to know who I am abusing at a particular point in time.

11.) You are allowed to view the match with me but too much chatter will lead you to be ejected from the viewing area.

12.) YES - My Friends will be coming over every single day and I will also be going to their houses to watch the IPL

13.) If you want to watch the matches with me then especially note that only strict Cricket talk will be allowed.

 I don’t want to hear statements like:

    a)“I must buy Surf excel Powder today”

    b)Virat Kohli looks like my friend’s Son”  

    c)“Dhoni must shave more often” 

    d)“The color of that Team’s Uniform matches the color of the                                            curtains in My Sister’s bedroom” 

   e)“Simon Taufel is so cute”

   f)“Why is Raina Not playing?”

   g)“His haircut is so nice”

    Etc, etc

 Statements like these will lead to severe consequences and repercussions 

14.) NO – I will not watch what I eat. I will munch on more Chips, Samosas and high cholesterol fried food items during this week than I have ever done before. In case I collapse due to high sugar levels, then be ready to tell me scores the moment I wake up in the hospital.

15.)  NO – I will not attend any Birthday Parties, Naming Ceremonies,Wedding Anniversaries, Sari Exhibition, Shoe Sale, Art Extravaganza and wagera wagera.. .You are more than welcome to attend these on your own and remember to take the key because when you come back I will not get up from the couch to open the door for you as I will be too busy watching the match.

16.) During this time I will be more religious and spiritual than I have ever been my whole life. If you see me on my knees, eyes closed, palms folded and mouthing words then remember not to disturb me as I will be directly praying to Ganesha for the victory of my favorite team.

Failure to comply with the above mentioned directives will lead to negative results. You have been forewarned.

On Behalf Of All Men,

  IMRAN FAZAL